I got a new Job at Ezra, a high class Meat / Salad Bar in the neighborhood. I take my scooter every day back and forth. I get 30 Shekels an hour, free food, and a good mix of young male and female workers. I even am friendly with the Arabs that work there, the Cleaners as well. I met Rotem, really got to know her after at while, fell into friendship, to love, and then very public cases of obsession and PDA. She was the Girl that cause me to trigger the ”Skip it” Commercials from the 90’s, but luckily that wore off. Then I met her friend Adar, (who is her best friend at work, and a girl) and things just started rolling as I began to plant a metaphorical seed and becoming a brick inside of my job environment, gaining friends, and some respect for my hard work. Recently they opened the Patio, so there are more people and more work with cups and silver to manage. People have come to help me and I am glad at least there are a few people having my back, but when they are not there, I push my luck and start to go on strike, disappearing for a while and glaring at people outside and through the plastic window. I was gone for half a day, and when I came there were plies of dried up utilities waiting just for me, even the other day when I should have left, it look a while and there was delay for the polish to being done. I was proving myself a point and told Shay (Manager) and the other Danny (Manager) about it. We’re going to discuss everything Monday and see where we go from here as far as availability and being the only person who truly works alone and walks alone like the theme song for Batista in WWE, I walk a lonely road like Billie Joe sings in Green Days ”Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. The side Panels are open so there is less congestion going in and out of the big doors at the restaurant. It’s filled with nasty smokers, vapers, and other people that are waiting to get in. Occasionally, there will be a pretty girl I can look at. I enjoy boosting myself in and as I patiently wait for a clear path, running as fast as I can. I just have a lot of pressure, and energy from the sugary drinks I consume when a lot of water is just boring and not refreshing enough. I enjoy apricot fuze tea, orange juice, and occasionally and XL Energy Drink which I swipe from the Bar on the days when I need it and when I can sleep in from the possible crash afterwords. After I went the wrong way to Armon Hanatziv where Barashi was having and unknown party that people were very vocal about the night before there were damages to shoes and scooter (both the breaks and the tires were bald and weak from the terrain and slopes) I really tied and flustered after coming late to Barashi’s Party thinking it would live on till the late hours of the night, but alas, it was shabbat. I was hoping someone could bring me back with my scooter, since it was on one bar, and even getting to “E”. Nobody seemed to have a car, space, or was even going into my direction. I asked Lior, Kalah who was going to Ramot, and whoever else was there but I was shit out of luck, I continued on and thought to myself that this was a sign to take space, and maybe even step back a little as my anxiety began to rise so much that I even went for an additional scooter ride after all that. when I got back to my parents house just in time for food, kiddush .etc. There was a pretty young Blonde girl who seemed to really like my scooter. I could have mingled with her and maybe gotten to know her, but the space inside my cranium is saved for people who I see more than once, maybe one of them was his girlfriend, but I wanted to converse with at least one person I knew, as they all fled off into the parking lot. Kfir and Rotem went up the the side stairs and somehow I ended up in from of them as they passed me by. I Decided to go to the same route, which was completely out of the way and then being the stubborn arrogant person that am, I ended up Getting stuck on the road and following kfir and rotem in the car. Realizing where I was thinking the Road / Hill was shorter with less construction. I basically walked the perpendicular area of the Dreaded highway 398, still untouched all the way up Asher Viner to Hebron Road, when my Scooter could move a little bit on it’s very last bit of electrical energy. Still, barely a sidewalk, and a death zone even on shabbat with the Arabs whizzing by at high speeds. I should have taken my helmet, but I grabbed my hat instead. It took my back to my Roots and I was like, ”okay, I’m gonna do this, despite the other direction being down hill, and much faster, closer to home with paved roads for convenience” and by God’s Grace I did it and accomplished my goals of conquering the most evil, dreaded hill in all of Jerusalem. Luckily, there was plenty of daylight and not too much Heat. excessively working alone. all that really matters is that I made it there safely, despite all the loops my GPS took me to, and me being retarded with directions. and also that I made it back without any MAJOR accidents or incidents. Zero Deaths, but the Damages to my property and my mental state still exist. I feel as if I lied to multiple times, and then not wanting to accept the situation after. (Rotem, Aviel, Adi, Kifir) I have a Terrible sleep schedule due to not being able to take my medicine and a proper time at work, diet of basically bread, hummus, shawarma pargit, and occasionally real food on top my junk and then needing to suddenly poop at odd hours of the day out of nowhere. I miss being a home and Not being at my computer at all. I have Excessive jealously for the situation and my many attempts to get her into a place to chat have fallen through leaving me feeling socialy awkward tired, and empty from the gaps in my life that I just couldn’t fill the the song ”flaws” by the band Pompeii in a trance after I finally made it there I was ready to go but it was over, maybe it wasn’t the right place for me, but I can say that I was there. I probably wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t mingle with anyone besides that one blond girl who was hanging out in the parking lot. Rotem was sitting by herself on the side when I got there. I followed her after a minute assuming she was gone, then kinda chased her down, located her out of uniform with jean shorts and a slightly small top that I can’t remember and when I gave her a hug I pretty much ran to her, and I nearly pushed her over not doing it right due to being in speed mode and having my heart rate up, with only a few minutes to rest and recollect myself. I was happy to see her and everyone who was left. She said something along the lines of ”Enough, okay, like I did it ready” but it was polite. I was not going to accept the ”Bye Daniel” from her, I wanted to express myself and show her that I noticed her, even for a few moments. I am not going to be an asshole to her as long as it is at least slightly under my control. Shay the Server offered me his assistance over the phone, but I didn’t hear it ring or feel it vibrate despite it being directly in my hands. I hate my phone. I updated it and them there was a notch / bar on the bottom of it that was very irritating and I just could not get rid of it despite searching youtube and forums. I was really out of it after that huge ordeal, but everything still works and seems to be functional. If I really need to, I can find a store and hopefully they can fix my scooter, and as far as my shoes, I can mostly likely find another pair of crocs lite in a size 9 and not 10. I have an emergency pair below my bed, as well as the Pants I found at Decathalon, and two new white official Adidas hats. I feel like a monster as I am typing this pretty much first thing in the morning besides my body releasing excretions from my bowels unexpectedly causing me to run to the small toilet, barely making it. My Anxiety seems to have returned a bit from all the shit that’s going on from all aspects of my life. Barashi and people not brushing their phones and brushing me off telling me they are busy and I know what they are doing so I wanted to come to the party but ended up getting there at the ass end, Usually parties go till later at night, and that was my thoughts. I had to ask multiple people where the location was and it took a while for them to get back to me. By the time I got there, I went down the stairs, felt the sticky beer infested floors, and the music stopped and whoever was left dashed out. Consistently needing to check the GPS on my phone, taking me in circles till I heard the music and found the place from a distance without a clue of how to get there. People were coming out and Amit told me where it was and how to get in. People saw me and God was like, fuck this, I’m ending the party now, after you see your friends walk away from you, looking back from the stairs, noticing you, noticing them. Feeling like a complete idiot, and a retarded monster who just wanted to be with his friends. The Obsessiveness is coming and it’s dangerous. A lot of emotions raging from happy, sad, depressed, feelings of accomplishments, getting slapped in the face by my own friends, and feeling lied to, even cheated on. That brings up the song ”Carry on” by Nate Ruess, the lead singer of the Band ”Fun” I felt like something was stolen from me, and things are getting hidden away as I am left out of the friendship circle, despite everything I do for them. I tried to call him, but he said ”not now, I am busy” … like DUH, and I wanna come party with you guys, tell me where you are before it’s all over this time? haha… nope. I had to ask the Boss / Manager of work to finally send me a location, I probably shouldn’t have gone, but if the party lasted longer, it could have been great, and better if I mingled with some new people, I basically went all the way there and suffered for nothing, but a few hellos and a small hug from my considerable best friend and work, who I’ve gotten really close to and as time tick tocks it’s only getting worse and I’m pulling out all my cards of desperation and neediness exactly like I did with Dori, except she is married now and has moved on, and I have moved on from her, and Rotem has seemed to have taken her place till the next person comes into my life and I fall in love and will probably end up tripping again. My Job isn’t too hard, I just get fucked from all directions (not in the fun way) (thanks Yonatan! (my old housemate) and then it turns into hell, I get stuck in the corner, and I don’t get paid enough to do the work of several people. I am technically only supposed to be there till 5:00 but I have been staying till and now beyond that, my OCD wants to control me and just finish everything. I am still waiting for someone concrete to work with me. The two 15 year olds have left me, and Gabby can only do so much between clearing tables and polish. Sometimes I stay out till at least 12:30 or even 1:00, maybe 2:00 if we’re just chilling somewhere and I drastically lose track of time and the situation is complicated making myself feel stuck there till everyone is gone and I can finally leave with peace of mind, body, spirit .etc… I can only focus on one thing at a time whether it’s silverware, or cups, being consistently bombarded to collect and distribute supplies that I just don’t have at the moment, and may things come out very filthy so I need to filter things out at least twice. Once from the Rack, then from the Dirty Dishes, and then finally a polish and dry to the cup’s best abilities. There are certain people I can count on and trust to help me and do a good job with the other massive chunks of work that is excreted out from the faulty dishwashing machine. Rotem, Noy, Neorai, sometimes Idan, Emunah works well too, but is not ideal. I have complained to the group about my needs to do my job, but nobody seems to care or even say ”Thank you” at the end. People have Manners most of the time, but things get really tight. The place becomes a war scene and shit literally hits the fan. It’s kinda nice to stay after and simply forget about everything. My Parents and I are looking for a place for me to live outside the confines of shekel. We actually found a place right across the street witch was decent, so I am banking on that, despite it being too big for one person and it needs a lot of fixing up, new appliances, air conditioning, heat, and a whole mess of cleaning. We Spoke with the ministry of Welfare twice, and they are in for looking at other places for me to reside besides the streets, or with my parents. They are looking to kick me out of my current, place after numerous meetings, but that will also take some time. Both sides are very upset. Buying a place is complicated, and my parents even need a lawyer to sort everything out with the money and other issues that come up. My Phone history with Rotem shows my attempts at trying to speak with her about the things on my mind. When I asked her in person about hanging out with a group, she brushed me off and told me that we would talk about it next week. It was also 2:00 AM so that’s understandable. I told her my original plan of just inviting her out and she confirmed that I couldn’t just do that. I don’t want to end up in a situation where she just disappeared like Noy from Shekel or Adar who suddenly went to serve the israeli army and came back to work with us. and has helped me a lot with the polish at the end of the night and that’s not just because she enjoys my company. Rotem always joins me towards the end of my Shift, and Adar is just helping her push forward and allowing us to be there more comfortably, despite Adi making jokes and playing with Rotem’s beautiful Brown Hair that I wanted to snap a photo of, but she seems to be like Dori (who is apparently on her Honeymoon in London) and she doesn’t like taking photos and took that offensively. I can’t force her to take a photo with me to show people her hair, well done nails, and her smile with her prefect dental situation. I was with her at as she was setting up the boutique for some reason, as I wanted to consume my two freno bread with sesame seeds only to find out Shlomi had moved my food into another area insisting that people were going to come rather soon, when indeed they didn’t. I had rushed to consume my meal of bread and hummus I even mustered up a every ounce of confidence I had and asked her when her break was and she was puzzled why I asked her that. I told her if she wants to sit alone, then she should do it. She told me she wanted to sit alone but dammit she didn’t. But then she sits in her preferred place outside in the patio (where I can’t sit because of the chairs with the open backs and tight cushions, not even for Rotem) and talked with Aviel for the duration of her meal about him and stuff related to his wedding. It lasted a while and I glared at her from the Balcony area in the boutique till I decided to go for a little walk to the other side where the Junior restaurant was and called her a liar to her face in front of everybody only to walk by again telling her that I caught her in a lie, she didn’t hear me well the first time and I decided to dash off. Logistically, for me it’s the best place to sit, and talk in peace, even the soft chairs in the back are a good little nook, and it’s still outside, however, they are probably filthy and not easy to maintain in the dark. I really enjoy sitting in the office and consuming my meal away from everyone else as if it were my own room. I could see them both from the Bar and when they came back into work I was confronted and returned the favor with an irritated receipt. She tried to explain the situation but it was not the first time. She said she couldn’t just tell him no, and then I arrogantly expressed myself on how she could say ”no” to people and reject them until her break was over. She also rushed while she at her burger, so it’s not really ideal. I told her, maybe I have something I want to tell you or talk to you about before she slipped out into the IDF / Sherut Leomi like Yarin did or whatever it is. She announced about two weeks, and I though she would have been out months ago. At least I have a timeframe in mind as the pressure and emotions are rising, creating drama, and other bullshit. I didn’t come to work to watch Rotem Glisten, fight, or argue with her. I also didn’t come to stare at her ass while she is polishing with her back to me in her tights, but it’s a plus despite her age, she is almost 19 and seems to be sensitive like me. I just go from 0 to 100 in rapidness when things don’t go my way. I even hurt my best friends in the process, and it sucks, I feel like a monster, and felt that I embarrassed myself afterwords with the text blocks that I sent to her. There was a day that she cried for most of her shift and I tried to be there for her, but Kfir ended up diffusing the situation when I really wanted to do it. She chose him over me because he was actually there and could understand the situation better, which is valid. I guess I am only good for looking into Rotem’s Eyes and handing her tissues to dry her hands with. I asked if it was from sweat or tears, and she told me it was from sweat, but I figured that was a lie to cover something up because I already know her well enough to see through the superficial levels of her expressions. She was being rude to me and I reciprocated. They went for a brisk walk down the street, and I waited for her to come back and give her an extra hug with my heavy bag of supplies due my heavy kleptomania. I walked back and forth a lot opening a page with Neorai. I wondered where they went because they were out of range and far enough not to be seen or heard. I wanted to do that in the situation with Aviel and manage how to do it comfortably at the end of her shift with proper care, but on another day we talked with Adar’s Presence as they wiped down the many Menus and Salt Shakers. I kinda hoping to get her alone, but the situation worked out decently. She was still A.D.D and not really too focused on the conversation as Adi, Ali, the fat server, Marawan 1 & 2 where there to distract her, even causing her to be move lively, bubbly with a smile, while I get more of a serious tone. I might not be the right person with every situation, but I can sure as hell try! She is like Dori with her text messages, as she sees them, but chooses not to reply or respond minimally. I don’t have all the answers or solutions, but I am smart and compassionate about people that are close to me. it’s all for a good cause. Then I sent her the ”Deadly words used by a woman” after she said she was ”fine” when I knew she wasn’t. It was in English, so I am not sure if she opened it or understood the message and references I was trying to convey to her. Something happened with Neorai, and maybe others but I’m not sure and it’s not my place to know after seeing them in a small meeting on one of the tables. She and Kfir have a strong connection, also with Adi. She seems to smile and be energetic with most of the other people but I just get a boring unfathomable greeting and rejection upon rejection after many invites to sit with her and affectionate hugs that were not given partially due the summer heat, and probably personal reasons beyond my stink not to send any signals of love, romance, being in a relationship .etc. Maybe that’s it. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and so I want to show her even more love, but it’s her choice to let me hug her, and try to lift her up on the days she is struggling as long as she is here. But she has Adar and Kifr who are above me, leaving me on the sidelines feeling like dog shit on the pavement. (https://www.tiktok.com/@frenchyontheloose/video/6995560978154867974). At the end of the day, I hope all will be well, and whatever damages were sustained, will hopefully get fixed, repaired, and put back together so we can truly separate in a better situation. Adar told me to enjoy myself and Rotem told me, it’s not personal and I shouldn’t have to be offended (להיעלב) from her actions. Maybe I need to loosen up and feel like rain on my skin, because ”the rest is still unwritten” like Natasha Beddingfield said. I want my pocket full of sunshine back. I feel like a loser, like Beck said in his song, so why don’t you kill me? I think that is all, it’s been a few hours. I am Hungry, and Thirsty. I am glad I could take advantage of the empty apartment and type out how I felt. I had to spell check with Openoffice, I messed up a lot. The Prime and Coke (cola) are probably frozen in the freezer already. I feel restless and weak. I have having anxiety. My Mouth is dry, my face is numb. On my own here we go! I am totally beating myself up about it when I shouldn’t. I am hurting. I have a jealous Heart and it doesn’t seem to be healthy without signs of healing.